| It's been years since I've come to this place. How often did I once visit here and now, rarely at all. I remember still the minutes that became hours spent browsing around and racking my mind for something clever and humorous to say. Funny how we've all moved on to bigger and better things .....
The purpose of my visit is simple. It has been on my mind and on my conscience for some time now and try as I may to disregard and forget it's existence, I now realize that to be impossible until I address it and give it a name.
This letter is for a certain someone. There's a strong possibility you will never come across this but should Chance bring you here, perhaps these words will offer you peace in knowing the truth .....
People say do onto others as you would have done onto you and though for most of my life, I've gone the route of being the bigger and better person, this time, I chose knowingly to do the opposite. There was never truly a good reason to hate you, our paths never really crossed in such a way for that to happen. Nor was it ever really completely your fault. Looking back on it, I guess it was easier to place the blame on you for what happened than on the person I should have been angry with. It's often easier to hate someone you don't know than to hate someone you love. I guess that's how it was with you. It was easier to disregard your original intentions and write them off as a lie, given the events that followed.
So I became angry, upset, avengeful. All those things associated with being ..... well, human. All those things that I had tried so desperately not to be. I can't tell you exactly when or why it happened. All I know is that I felt something I never felt before and it felt good. How easy it is to Hate. In those crazy moments to satisfy my lust and hunger for revenge, I vowed to make certain that someone would pay for what had happened. It just so happened that that someone was you.
It would be awhile before "my chance" came along. But come along it did. I was told very specifically what was to happen, what was to be done. I knew that it was wrong, disgusting, and absolutely heartbreaking should the truth ever came out. I knew it all in my heart of hearts. I knew that it would come back to haunt me one day but I just didn't care. I wanted heads to roll. I wanted someone to hurt as much as I had. I wanted the rest of the world to feel what I had felt. I wanted it known that I was not one to be messed with. So I went along with it and kept my mouth shut, and at times, even found joy in being in on the secret.
My choice of action was inexcusable. It was an ugly thing I did, or rather, didn't do. And karma will return the favor. Yet we were both at fault, and for the very same reason .... we used our hearts when we should have used our heads. I guess I hated you because you reminded me of me and did exactly what I would have done and exactly what I did.
So there it is. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't hate you, at least not for the reasons you thought. These words won't change what happened, nor will they change the future but they needed to be said, if for no one else other than myself.
|
| |
